It's Just A Winding Road, Not A Dead-End

It is a broad daylight. I am walking with my best friend. He is always with me wherever I go. He is forever faithful and forever dependable. He is taking me to a certain destination. Actually, he had already given me clue of what kind of place it will be. Since I don't know the way, he wants to accompany me to get there. I am starting the journey and walking the journey with a great anticipation. I just can't wait to get there, but the road we are taking seems without end.

Along the way, there are a lot of people with various backgrounds and views. We are greeted and have a chat here and there. They are asking where we will go. When they get the answer, their responses are also different from one another.

Some say,"But that's a dead-end. You can't possibly go that way."
Another says,"Oh, your journey is worth the while."
Still the others say,"Think again if you want to take this journey. It's very risky and takes a lot of your time!"

I am looking at my best friend, my eyes are full of questions. My best friend sees me in a confused state of mind, only smiles to me and says,"It's not a dead-end. This is the way. Trust me, Deb. It won't take long, it's just...around the corner."

We have not yet arrived to the place right now, but I have made up my mind. I will trust my best friend no matter what the world will say to me. They may call me silly, or naive, or whatever.. I just believe that my best friend knows the best.

In the end, this journey is only about my best friend; so, only his opinion that matters. I am learning to trust his excellent sense of direction. Noone else's opinion matters.

Anyway, I can't close my eyes towards those who have been very supportive. This post is a credit for you. Thank you for being there =)

Climbing Up The Mountain

I fell to a very deep valley
Valley of self-pity
I had pity party everyday
Didn't want to climb up anymore
Felt enough with everything
Didn't know the cause I fell

School became my runaway spot
Thought I could avoid
The very thing which broke my pride
....my failures....
They haunted and scolded me
That I'm a total failure

Forgot that I'm not
I'm not a failure.
How can I be one if
He who created me
is the Lord of lords
who ever prevail?

The truth of who I am in Him
Set me free as a soaring eagle.
That my worth/ pride isn't on my achievements,
perfection, standard, and performance.
My worth is simply because
I am created in God's image.

I'm climbing up the mountain
A hard work indeed,
and perseverance.
Doing it with my eyes on
the Hope Himself

No more putting my achievements,
perfection, standard, and performance
above ALL else!
No no no!!
It's Jesus who should be lifted up
high above all else.

That way, I could continue
the journey to my destination joyfully.
No more broken pride, nor dreams.
I put my pride in
who I am in Jesus only.
Good bye, Desperation...FOR GOOD!!

Yea...that's my experience after school holiday this year. What a downfall!! Never realized before that I still put my pride over my performance.

Performance includes our success in doing something; the way we dress, speak, and act; liked by everyone; doing something perfectly as our standards.

As a melancholic person, I tend to be perfectionist. I have my own standards of many things. Guess what? My standards are above average coz I craved for perfection. It made me depressed and unhappy (well, who could ever be happy when s/he is depressed?). Also, I caused my friends depressed too because of that.

My dear friend suggest me to count my blessings, never take them for granted.
Another friend gave me a book. It's not a self-help book. God used it to help me rise again. To find my vision and go with trusted friends along the way, be open and vulnerable to them, get ready to fail then rise to try again.
Jesus Himself reminded me of His promises and refreshed me with His vision. He strengthened me with new things, new revelations, new promises (Psalms 146).

I'm walking in His great favor and grace :D

Memories

With Tough Lady this year (Easter)


With family in Bali this year holiday

(Using photoscape)

Together

I just realized that I'm not that well emotionally. Thank God I realize it; so that, I can do something (surely God, too) to fix it.

All right...I don't need many people who feel that they HAVE TO come. No, I don't need them.
I just need 1 person who feels that s/he WANTS to come, WANTS to involve her/himself, WANTS to do something.
If God gives me more than 1 person, praise the Lord. If He just gives me 1 person, praise the Lord! It means s/he is the one who really care and able to WORK TOGETHER.

I've said NO to independence, and YES to interdependence.


Ecclesiastes 4:9a Two are better than one
Matthew 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I in the midst of them.

Bersatu kita teguh, bercerai kita runtuh...tapi kalo cm epok2an bersatu ya sama aj dg bcerai :P

Hug

A hug means so much for me. It heals, restores, and comforts.

Yesterday (and last two Sundays ago) a friend came to me and gave me a big hug. She said things which encouraged me...and I cried. Hahahaha... I dunno what happen to me. Rasanya kelenjar air mataku rada lecek belakangan ini.

I thought I've passed my valley of discouragement and self-pity. God has shown His great mercy and help these past two months. Without I realized it, He has lifted me inch by inch. I thought I've passed it, but He keeps on comforting me. Heal and restore my weary soul.

Thanks to You and to you :)

Mayday

Mayday..Mayday..This is Bee12 requesting for a help..Mayday...I'm heading to a very passive and unresponsive state about anything..Mayday...

The cruelest scenes I may do are spinning around and around
I'm unable to stop it

I'm not a tough girl
I'm weak and fragile

It's been a while
since our last meeting
and I don't see any improvements
AT ALL!!!!

What do you want?
Don't want me to care?
Granted!

Don't want me to fuss about your absence?
Granted!

I'll give you what you want.
Don't blame me if I don't care AT ALL about you!
Don't you dare!

Mayday...Mayday..Bee12 is in a bad situation..She collapses to a convenient zone..Mayday..Mayday...

Test, Grace, and Plot

The harder the test
The cooler the grace
The crazier the plot

God-sent Angel(s)

Yesterday, I skipped school. From morning till afternoon songs from Hillsongs and some other sources accompanied me.

I took time to meditate (really meditate some verses). God showed me the root of my emotional problems. I did meditation on God's Words only as a routine. To show responsibility, not love for Him and to know Him better and deeper. Moreover, I relied on myself rather than to Him, the source of my EVERYTHING.

As I meditate, some verses caught my attentions.

Psalms 119.116-117
Uphold me according to your word, that I may live. Let me not be ashamed of my hope.
Hold me up, and I will be safe, and will have respect for your statutes continually.

No wonder my emotion was shattered coz I tried to uphold myself by my own strength. And this particular verse really spoke to me. Check it out!

Isaiah 26.9, 12
With my soul have I desired you in the night. Yes, with my spirit within me will I seek you earnestly; for when your judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.
The LORD, you will ordain shalom for us, for you have also worked all our works for us. (HNV)

At night I long for you with all my heart; when you judge the earth and its people, they will all learn what justice is.
You will give us prosperity, LORD; everything that we achieve is the result of what you do. (GNB)

There, stated clearly. I didn't seek Him earnestly. No shalom/ peace coz I did it by myself. My soul was exhausted from doing everything by myself, affecting my emotional "disorder".

And in the afternoon, a friend asked how I was doing. I told her the truth and here was her reply:
My prayer is always be with u, sis.. He loves u so much and never give up on u. Hebrew 12.12-13. Think about His love and His kindnesses. Ask for first love. Never tired of seeking the Lord, will u? :)
Are u tired with His vision for you? These few days during prayer time, the Lord asks me to ask about your condition, i thought u were busy. That's why i didn't send u text messages. When i was reading a devotional book, i got something 4u, too. I dunno it's right or wrong, I'm just trying to say what I got. He loves you so much. Trust me (at this point I cried myself out. Admitting my fears about the future and my mistakes, my vulnerable emotion).
Ecclesiastes 4.9-10a.
Put everything under His feet. Keep calm and know that He is God. And He loves u with an unconditional love.
His love never fails, His love is eternal, unchanging. Just because u couldn't control your emotion then u feel so much guilty, and intimidated. One thing for sure, He loves us at the first place...not us. The Lord's love makes us live, so...
Never give up on ourselves, coz He never gives up on us! :)

She sent me several text messages. I read each of them with a broken heart, releasing all my depressions, and believe it or not my soul and heart (though broken) was healed at at the same time. Thinking how could He still loves me after all I've done. All things that could cause disappointments. How could He? And the songs I heard made me cry even more.

And how right were her statements about me. I felt terrible for losing control over my emotions and intimidated. (If you read this post, sis...this is my credit for you and dedicated especially to you)

One thing I could do now is...oh, I need mercy and grace to do this (I may fail, but I'll never give up): though people (students) disappoint me, I'd still love them, realizing and believing that they never meant to disappoint me. They simply dont know that that could disappoint me.

Next few posts are the (old) songs from Hillsongs that restore my soul.

And, to you, readers..thank you so much for your support :) God answered your prayers yesterday. Billions of thanks to you :)
And for someone who spared your time for me though you were sleepy and busy, thank you :) for helping me through my roughest day.

Forget?

"In case you forget who you are, turn to the people who love you. They'll remind you how beautiful you are"

That's right, plus don't forget to turn to the One who loves you unceasingly and unconditionally with an ultimate love :)

Because of your value in my eyes, you have been honoured, and loved by Me
Isaiah 43.4a (BBE)

For I am certain that nothing can separate us from His love: neither death nor life, neither angels nor other heavenly rulers or powers, neither the present nor the future, neither the world above nor the world below---there is nothing in all creation that will ever be able to separate us from the love of God which is ours through Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8.38-39 (GNB)

Beautiful Melody

Both sadness/ things make us upset and happiness make a beautiful melody in our lives (relationships).

The Way I Love You

Is there a clear way
to sense a love
Is there a simple way
to define love
Is there a secure way
to follow love
Is there the most right way
to just love you

See you smile,
Know you grow
find you shine
Hear you cheer,

and wish you
all the best
for your life
for your love

That's the way I love you

I will run
I will fly
I will hide
I will flee
I will do anything
to make this right
if I know the best way

See you smile,
Know you grow
find you shine
Hear you cheer,

and wish you
all the best
for your life
for your love

That's the way I love you

Am I clear enough
to sense a love
Am I simple enough
to define love
Am i secure enough
to follow love
Am I right enough
To just love you
(SweetP)

The Bride?

Front (left-right): me, Devi, Valen
Back (left-right): Edo, Sanjaya, Ferry,Jak, Felix, Denny, Kevin

They are some members of my community. And, no, Devi wasn't the bride. She was the bride's maid:)


Yesterday, as I prayed, suddenly the scene before the photo was taken flashed in my mind. Felix and Edo teased Devi. They had an idea to put 'lollypops' they brought behind Devi's hair (she'd look like sailor moon, that was what they said). When the scene rushed in, I cried hahaha can u believe that? I cried because I was too happy. They were like real siblings, not friends. My heart was so full of thanksgiving.

Thanks for bringing us together, Dad. U bind us with Your love. I pray that this community keeps experiencing Your love, and let Your love shines thru our fellowship with one another. I pray that this community blesses our world where You send us.

Again

You shared your dreams and fears.
We were doing just fine,
But all of the sudden
You ignored me.

What happened?
Was it me?
Goodness, yes…
It was me.

Forgive me
I failed you
I didn’t see you
The way you see me.

I always positioned myself
Strong and have to help you
Directing your steps.

I’m sorry for not
Sharing my burdens with you.
I forgot that friends mean
Strengthen one another.

Quote about A Friend

As I taught a class today, I saw this put on a board:

Friends is one who

Finds you in a
Rush of people,
Inspires you to do
something in life,
catches your
Emotion,
Never leave you till
Death

To someone, thanks for being a great friend. If you happen to read this, well, this is my gratitude for having you :)

Angel(s)

"Have you ever seen an angel?"
"Are angels beautiful?"
"Are they big?"
"Do they really have wings?"
"Is there a halo around one's head?"
"Does each of us have a guardian angel?"

I've seen angels in so many forms.
They're big! Big hearted, I'd say.

And, yes, they're beautiful!!
Compassion is their beauty.
Their eyes are twinkling with Love.

They have a pair of wing of Faith and Hope.

Um mm...no, they don't have halos,
the glory belongs to Jesus only.

Well, yes, of course!
Each of us has a guardian angel.
I'm looking at my guardian angel right now.

"Really?"
"Where is s/he?"

Right in front of me.
Yes, you are my guardian angel,
my God-sent friend :)

Thank You

Thank you for not always be there for me
Teaching me to depend on my Father God totally

Thank you for not always submitting yourself
Teaching me to be patient

Thank you for not always say “Yes” to me
Teaching me to stretch my capacity

Thank you for not always be true to your word
Teaching me to trust Jesus more than any other and forgiveness

Thank you for not knowing that I can do something that you can
Teaching me to always learn something new

Thank you for saying “Yes” to me
Teaching to see a hope in the midst of hopeless situation

Thank you for submitting yourself
Teaching me to humbly submit myself to my authority

Thank you for caring for me
Teaching me to know how to live in a community

Thank you for the listening ears
Teaching me to listen to others patiently

Thank you for the comforting hugs
Teaching me to know that somebody cares

Thank you for the smiles
Teaching me to smile to brighten up someone’s day

Thank you for simple “How are you?”
Teaching to be grateful for small and simple things

Thank you for confiding in me
Teaching me to be trusted

Thank you for your friendship
Teaching me to be a better person

Thank you for accepting me the way I am
Teaching me to realize how precious I am in the sight of God
And see you precious also in His sight.

That What Friends (Calebs) Are For

“How is it?”

“It is great, the promise is true. Look what we bring from the land! Let’s go there!”

“Yea, let’s do it!”

“Whoa! Hold your horses! Yes, the promise is true, but I don’t think we should go. We can’t just go in there. Get real! The people are big!”

“Indeed, they are. But we can beat them.”

“Oh yeah? They’re big and strong… nice combination. We’re doomed if we fight them!”

“Yes, he’s right. The land eats the inhabitants. Moreover, it has giants there. We’re like grasshoppers compared to them. We’d better not go.”

Familiar with the conversation? I think that was how the conversation between Moses and the twelve spies held. Only two out of ten who were willing to do anything God commanded and kept their focus on His promise. The majority was looking at the situation at hand.

So, only Oshea son of Nun (later known as Joshua) dan Caleb son of Jephunneh, who whole-heartedly following God, who could enter the promised land. The other ten couldn’t see the good land. When we’re face to face with the disagreeness of others, or we’re struggling over something, a friend’s presence is like finding an oasis in a desert.

One day I felt abandoned and tired of struggling for my cell-group. I worshipped God, and He restored my soul. I was ready to move forward, to struggle only with Him. The unexpected happened! A friend gives his full support (until today). Patiently listens to me and struggles with me. How I’m blessed with his presence. I’m also blessed with two other members of cell-group. They never say “No” whenever I assign them doing something they’ve never done before. They do it excellently, beyond my expectation. God strengthens me through them. He gives me not only one, but three Calebs. Though they may not realize it =)

Are you struggling over something? Well, never feel abandoned. What I mean to say is, like Michael Jackson’s song, you are not alone! God provides, at least, a Caleb for each of us.

Where can we find the right Caleb? In a community who has fear of the Lord in their hearts. A community which loves Jesus above all else. Or maybe among your friends you’ll find one who loves Jesus whole-heartedly.