The Same

I'm a private tutor now. I have a student who, to be honest, is stubborn. He is not really good in language arts, especially in making sentences and answering completely. So, his mom, naturally, asked me to teach him how to be good at them.

It is not an easy job to teach him because he tends to do things his own way. When I told him how to answer, he said," Miss, you're wrong. It will make me answer incorrectly." I was quite irritated, not because he said that, but because of his attitude. I was there trying to tell him the right way, but there he was - trying to repeat his mistakes. I said, "Trust me!", but he acted as if he hadn't heard it. I was tired and it had been almost 2 hours. So, I shut my mouth and just watched him went his own way.

On the road, I was thinking: perhaps that's how I act towards God. I act as if I know the right thing, when actually I know nothing at all. I prayed that I may have a humble and teachable heart

Safe and Sound

Seseorang sedang melakukan perjalanan. Perjalanannya bukanlah perjalanan yang mudah. Namun dia terus berjalan tanpa henti karena dia tahu apa yang menantinya di depan. Waktu pun berlalu. Ada banyak tempat yang sudah dia lalui. Lembah, turunan tajam, hutan, sungai, serta pendakian yang sulit.

Tiba-tiba dia mendapati kenyataan bahwa untuk meneruskan perjalanannya, satu-satunya hal yang dapat ia lakukan adalah menuruni tebing curam.Ia mencari-cari peralatan yang dibawanya di dalam tas. Tak ia temui satu pun yang bisa membantunya menuruni tebing dengan aman.

Untuk kembali dan tidak meneruskan perjalanan adalah hal yang tidak masuk akal. Tapi untuk melanjutkan pun merupakan hal yang tidak masuk akal. Jalan buntu! Ia terjepit pada dua pilihan yang sama-sama sulit dan beresiko.

Ia melongok ke bawah dan melihat laut yang tenang dan biru kehijauan di bawah sana. Suara hatinya berkata," Terjunlah! Laut itu aman." Namun otaknya berkata," Carilah alternatif lain!" Ia memandang sekelilingnya. Dilihatnya jalan kecil yang tertutup kerimbunan semak. Kedua sisi jalan itu diapit jurang. Saat dia hendak melangkah ke jalan itu untuk melihat kemungkinan bisa atau tidaknya jalan itu, hatinya diliputi keraguan. "Inikah jalan yang harus kuambil? Ataukah aku harus melompat?" Setelah ragu selama beberapa saat, ia memutuskan untuk....terjun. Ya, terjun! Tak peduli apa anggapan orang bila mendengar ceritanya, tak dipedulikannya beberapa orang di belakangnya yang menatapnya dengan penuh rasa heran saat melihatnya berbalik dan menuju tebing.

Ia pun mengambil ancang-ancang..dan terjun bebas ke lautan luas yang siap memeluknya. Ia tahu bahwa terjun adalah satu-satunya jalan yang aman untuknya sekalipun terlihat gila dan tak masuk akal.

"It's a free fall to the embrace of the super-strong-all-knowing God. I'll be safe and sound in His arms. He will not let my faith be mocked for His name's sake."

When idealism clashes with others' opinion...

i'm learning how to understand others' opinion. learning to put myself in their shoes. learning to humbly see my way objectively.

before it became big i confessed Psalm 121 and 34 plus Hebrews 12.

i wanna shout it out loud, wanna declare that the Lord i worship is GREAT and MARVELOUS!!! all credit goes to Him.

It's Just A Winding Road, Not A Dead-End

It is a broad daylight. I am walking with my best friend. He is always with me wherever I go. He is forever faithful and forever dependable. He is taking me to a certain destination. Actually, he had already given me clue of what kind of place it will be. Since I don't know the way, he wants to accompany me to get there. I am starting the journey and walking the journey with a great anticipation. I just can't wait to get there, but the road we are taking seems without end.

Along the way, there are a lot of people with various backgrounds and views. We are greeted and have a chat here and there. They are asking where we will go. When they get the answer, their responses are also different from one another.

Some say,"But that's a dead-end. You can't possibly go that way."
Another says,"Oh, your journey is worth the while."
Still the others say,"Think again if you want to take this journey. It's very risky and takes a lot of your time!"

I am looking at my best friend, my eyes are full of questions. My best friend sees me in a confused state of mind, only smiles to me and says,"It's not a dead-end. This is the way. Trust me, Deb. It won't take long, it's just...around the corner."

We have not yet arrived to the place right now, but I have made up my mind. I will trust my best friend no matter what the world will say to me. They may call me silly, or naive, or whatever.. I just believe that my best friend knows the best.

In the end, this journey is only about my best friend; so, only his opinion that matters. I am learning to trust his excellent sense of direction. Noone else's opinion matters.

Anyway, I can't close my eyes towards those who have been very supportive. This post is a credit for you. Thank you for being there =)

The Confession of Bee

I may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell.  I may have the gift of inspired preaching; I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; I may have all the faith needed to move mountains---but if I have no love, I am nothing.  I may give away everything I have, and even give up my body to be burned ---but if I have no love, this does me no good.

(1 Corinthians 13.1-3)

How true what Paul said to the Corinthians. I experienced it first hand last year. I did everything merely because of duty. Because I have to. I even kept hatred in my heart. I hid it so well. Not one soul knew it, but me...and God. Never before I hated someone that much, or felt like a hypocrite.

I still talked to that person, trying to be nice. But I wore my mask everytime I was with that particular person. So much of a hypocrite!

And during Youth Christmas Celebration, I gave my testimony about how I've tasted God's kindness and favor. Can you imagine that? Giving an impression that everything ran well and smooth. 

After the sermon, I came to God. Torn. Felt worthless. I asked for His forgiveness, and He gave it to me for FREE. Thank You, Jesus :)

Ever Try to Define LOVE?

Love is true. Love is painful. Love is not easy. Love can be messy. Love is powerful. Love can change you. Love is difficult. Love is commitment. Love is what hate is not. Love learns. Love always listens. Love doesn’t hold onto the wrongs. Love overlooks the sin. Love looks into the heart. Love can be gained. Love can be lost. Love is possible. Love forgives, every time. Love doesn’t lie. Love is always worth a try. Love makes you laugh. Love makes you cry. Love hurts so bad. Love can’t be explained, but love can be felt. Love knows. Love is unconditional. Love accepts you just the way you are. Love protects, defends and fights to the end. Love prefers. Love will sacrifice all for the sake of another. Love is not afraid. Love is full of courage. Love begins with God, then it starts with you. Love takes time. Love doesn’t make sense sometimes. Love is beautiful. Love can be ugly. Love shows kindness. Love is not blind, love sees. Love is compassion. Love can be desperate. Love is discovered when you are broken. Love is in the little things. Love is caught in the most unseen moments. Love is deep, never shallow. Love lends a hand. Love feeds the hungry. Love doesn’t think of itself first, but always others. Love doesn’t demand it’s rights. Love trusts. Love lets go. Love doesn’t blame others. Love takes responsibility. Love doesn’t hold grudges. Love doesn’t compare. Love always believes. Love is risky. Love is worth taking the risk even if it means being hurt. Love is a lesson. Love is all we have. Love feels. Love is distant. Love is close. Love is in every heart. Love dreams. Love encourages. Love is crazy. Love makes you do crazy ridiculous things. Love sucks. Love is a drug. Love is everything. Love bleeds. Love was hung on a cross for all our sins. Love doesn’t see fault. Love gives you what you don’t deserve. Love hates. Love loves. Love is madness. Love is lonely sometimes. Love speaks. Love is silent. Love is loud. Love is discipline. Love is uncomfortable. Love is humble. Love enjoys. Love has fun. Love eats. Love sleeps. Love is an adventure. Love brings peace. Love doesn’t judge. Love embraces. Love gives big hugs. Love smiles. Love dances. Love is always down to help. Love is there for you when you need it the most. Love cares. Love is alive. Love is full of tears. Love makes the heart heavy, like right now. Love will heal with time. Love doesn’t need an answer every time. Love prays. Love hopes. Love never ever gives up. Love is repentant. Love is sorry. Love gets back up again. Love tries. Love pushes you to your limits. Love is scary. Love doesn’t work out always. Love can teach you a good lesson. Love is better than lust. Love gives everything it has. Love doesn’t hold back. Love is not cheap, but costly. Love is a choice. Love is not forced. Love doesn’t take advantage. Love respects. Love always seeks for the best interest of others. Love is giving up what you want, for the wants of another. Love is a promise unbroken. Love is your word. Love doesn’t play games. Love is serious. Love isn’t learned in a day, but learned in a lifetime. Love will make you get on your knees. Love waits. Love moves on. Love is hard. Love is generous. Love kills. Love brings life. Love doesn’t point the finger. Love looks within. Love always wins. Love grows. Love is example. Love is faithful. Love is understanding. Love is full of grace. Love is truth. Love gives roses. Love is finer than wine. Love is found in Paris. Love is lost in life. Love is creative & love creates. Love is a struggle. Love comes and love goes. Love gets mad. Love sometimes yells. Love is brutal. Love is affection. Love transforms. Love is sex done God’s way. Love is pure like a newborn baby. Love is childish. Love is mature. Love is being yourself. Love is loving yourself. Love can. Love is freedom. Love is radical. Love is rad. Love can lead to war. Love will defend the poor. Love is just. Love always does what is right. Love is coming clean. Love is new every morning. Love is there every night, you just have to look for it. Love is in the darkness. Love shines like the dawn. Love is warm. Love is cold too. Love repents. Love is willing to change. Love does what is necessary. Love doesn’t just talk, it walks. Love can feel like a jail cell. Love comes in different forms is expressed in different ways. Love is a language. Love serves. Love is quality time. Love is a gift. Love is heard. Love is physical, don’t be afraid to touch. Love plans. Love is also spontaneous. Love is a surprise. Love is wise. Love can be learned in every life experience good or bad. Love makes the heart happy. Love can’t be taken away, unless you let it. Love is something else. Love doesn’t focus on self. Love is God. Yes, God is love. Love yourself, then you can love others. Love is a golden rule for life. Love is life. Love is family. Love is true friends who love you not for what you can do, but for who you are. Love is what we were created for. Love is big. Love is not noticed. Love is stealth. Love is all around. Love is a song. Love is a presence. Love is worship. Love gives glory. Love always has a story to tell. Love looks like Jesus. Love doesn’t always feel good, but it is good. Love is fearless & faith-full. Love is drama haha. Love takes two. Love is infinite. Love forgets. Love is not full of itself. Love is not addicted, love is self controlled. Love hates evil. Love will not boast or brag. Love is the kindest person you will ever meet. Love is real. Love keeps it real. Love is truthful, it doesn’t beat around the bush. Love is in the eyes. Love can be painful to look at. Love makes priority. Love is not the shape of a heart, love is in the form of a cross. Love isn’t a job. Love isn’t a project. Love just is. Love is who we are, love is what we do, love is perfect even though we are not perfect. Love knows no excuses. Love doesn’t live a lie. Love is a raging fire that can’t be contained, neither explained. Love is worth it all, love gives it all, love is all I want, love is all I need. Love is everything to me. Love I’m still learning. Love I’m still failing. Love you force me to keep going, even when I mess up. Love messed me up. Love is simple & complicated all at the same time. Love is tiring. Love also energizes. Love is up. Love is down. Love makes your heart pound. Love is magical. Love is passionate. Love hurts like hell. Love can feel like heaven. Love makes mistakes. Love is failing, but learning to try again. Love is willing to suffer. Love is willing to lose it all to gain it all. Love is death. Love is resurrection. Love is to die for. Love I could keep going, but I will stop here. Just love.

I took it from here. Visit it and be blessed :)

Thank you for loving me so much ;)

Christmas This Year

The Christmas message I get from my hometown is from 1 Kings 19.5-7.
From the whole thing the preacher said...I only grasps: "Get up and eat! Get up and eat some more--you've got a long journey ahead of you." (Very in sync with the my yearly verse I got at Surabaya--> James 1.25).

Yes, the journey for my dream (and maybe my lovelife) is still long (in our timing; but not in God's timing). So, I need to get up and eat.

Get up earlier in the morning and eat an omer of manna (meditating God's words diligently and do it).

But who so looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

Psalms 146

Hallelujah! O my soul, praise GOD!
All my life long I'll praise GOD,
singing songs to my God as long as I live.
Don't put your life in the hands of experts
who know nothing of life, of salvation life.
Mere humans don't have what it takes;
when they die, their projects die with them.
Instead, get help from the God of Jacob,
put your hope in GOD and know real blessing!
GOD made sky and soil, sea and all the fish in it.
He always does what he says--
he defends the wronged, he feeds the hungry.
GOD frees prisoners--
he gives sight to the blind, he lifts up the fallen.
GOD loves good people,
protects strangers, takes the side of orphans and widows,
but makes short work of the wicked.
GOD's in charge--always.
Zion's God is God for good! Hallelujah!
(The Message)

Climbing Up The Mountain

I fell to a very deep valley
Valley of self-pity
I had pity party everyday
Didn't want to climb up anymore
Felt enough with everything
Didn't know the cause I fell

School became my runaway spot
Thought I could avoid
The very thing which broke my pride
....my failures....
They haunted and scolded me
That I'm a total failure

Forgot that I'm not
I'm not a failure.
How can I be one if
He who created me
is the Lord of lords
who ever prevail?

The truth of who I am in Him
Set me free as a soaring eagle.
That my worth/ pride isn't on my achievements,
perfection, standard, and performance.
My worth is simply because
I am created in God's image.

I'm climbing up the mountain
A hard work indeed,
and perseverance.
Doing it with my eyes on
the Hope Himself

No more putting my achievements,
perfection, standard, and performance
above ALL else!
No no no!!
It's Jesus who should be lifted up
high above all else.

That way, I could continue
the journey to my destination joyfully.
No more broken pride, nor dreams.
I put my pride in
who I am in Jesus only.
Good bye, Desperation...FOR GOOD!!

Yea...that's my experience after school holiday this year. What a downfall!! Never realized before that I still put my pride over my performance.

Performance includes our success in doing something; the way we dress, speak, and act; liked by everyone; doing something perfectly as our standards.

As a melancholic person, I tend to be perfectionist. I have my own standards of many things. Guess what? My standards are above average coz I craved for perfection. It made me depressed and unhappy (well, who could ever be happy when s/he is depressed?). Also, I caused my friends depressed too because of that.

My dear friend suggest me to count my blessings, never take them for granted.
Another friend gave me a book. It's not a self-help book. God used it to help me rise again. To find my vision and go with trusted friends along the way, be open and vulnerable to them, get ready to fail then rise to try again.
Jesus Himself reminded me of His promises and refreshed me with His vision. He strengthened me with new things, new revelations, new promises (Psalms 146).

I'm walking in His great favor and grace :D

Yes, I Am

...walking in His great favor and grace.

About my study. Yes, I'm the one who'll study. I might be a teacher, but still...I'm a learner :)

I've been longing to build a good school for those who can't pay much. A school that offers a good education for its students. It will be started from playgroup (pre-kindergarten). It's a kind of social work, to be honest. And....my parents haven't 100% agree with my dream.

Last month I heard a "briefing" about a higher education which offer lessons that I need to build my school. The tuition fee for 1,5 year is quite much, but I can pay it from my salary and savings.

Anyway, life is not a highway. I had to deal with my parents' approval. I know it's my life, my money...but still, they're my parents. And they have every rights to know what I'm doing with my life. So, I told them (I've told my mom about my dream). Guess what? They don't really agree.

The next storm I faced was the money. At the first time, I was so sure they'll charge me group-tuition-fee. But, I learnt that I'd be charged personal-tuition-fee. It meant I had to spend 3 million Rp more, and I couldn't afford it.

And I was thinking: "Allrite, Lord...If You don't want me to take that education now, it's OK with me. It's Your dream anyway that You plant in my heart."

Then...my friends, who also want to learn more about it, told me that finally we'll be charged group-tuition-fee PLUS maybe our school's foundation is willing to pay for us cash (of course we have to pay it back to them). It means, my expense for studying will be lower than what I predicted.

The next wonderful thing is...my Daddy said that he'll pay for my study!!!! Do you know what it means??? It means I got my parents' approval!!!! Hahahahahaha...I'm so happy and excited.

Magister Manajemen Pendidikan....Here I cooooooommmmeee!!!! (^~^)/"

I'm Walking

in His grace and favor.

Hug

A hug means so much for me. It heals, restores, and comforts.

Yesterday (and last two Sundays ago) a friend came to me and gave me a big hug. She said things which encouraged me...and I cried. Hahahaha... I dunno what happen to me. Rasanya kelenjar air mataku rada lecek belakangan ini.

I thought I've passed my valley of discouragement and self-pity. God has shown His great mercy and help these past two months. Without I realized it, He has lifted me inch by inch. I thought I've passed it, but He keeps on comforting me. Heal and restore my weary soul.

Thanks to You and to you :)

Only You Can

This is me, Lord
With all my weaknesses
With all my disappointments
desperation and bitterness

Heal me, O Lord
Restore my soul
Heal my broken heart
Make me whole again

O sweet Jesus,
I lift my hands to You
in my desperation
towards myself

It's me
come to You
Sinful and broken
Nothing is hidden from You

It's me, Lord
I need You
Only You
Yes, only You can make me whole again

Songs of Praises

I Sam 16:23
And it came to pass, when the evil spirit from God was upon Saul, that David took an harp, and played with his hand: so Saul was refreshed, and was well, and the evil spirit departed from him.

How true it is! There's power in songs of praise. My mind stopped thinking of bad things when I turned on one of my spirit-lifter songs.

Beequote #4

'cause we need God

The Second Mile

BRAKKK!!!
Kubuka pintu itu dengan kasar, and I stomed in angrily, hurt, and bitter.
Kulihat dia duduk seperti biasa, as if he'd predicted I'd be doing it.

"Sudah! Cukup!" kataku sambil mengangkat tangan, menyerah...kalah,"Aku MUAK dengan apa yang kualami selama BERTAHUN-TAHUN! Like a curse that can't be broken down, for YEARS! YEARS! I've through it over and over again, all ALONE!! All those disobedience! Pemberontakan, tidak ada penundukan diri pada otoritas! Seakan tidak ada habisnya! CUKUP! Aku mau berhenti, mutung, desersi!! I'm done with it!"

"Go for the second mile!" katanya...dengan tetap tenang, tidak terpengaruh sama sekali dengan suasana hatiku.

"WHATTTT??? I CAN'T!! You know that very well! No way! I won't!!"

"Deb, go for the second mile!"

"I can't!! I don't want to! I'm tired and Weak! And I'm SICK with what I must do, to understand their reasons for doing what they did."

"My grace is sufficient for you. In fact, when you're weak, I'm strong. Trust me, Deb! Do it, then the curse will be taken away, doors will be opened when you do it. Annointing will be poured out when you humbly go for the second mile."

"It HURTS!! Sakit, pedih, perih, sedih... My heart is broken again and again. I've done what I must do, but they remain the same. I'm tired," kataku sambil tersedu tak berdaya, "Aku nggak sanggup lagi menanggung semuanya, Tuhaaaaaannn."

"Indeed hurts.. I know, Deb, I know. I'm with you through it all, (and I've been there) so I know how it feels. Ada upah yang menunggu. Upahmu sudah menunggu. Keep on doing it, Deb. Go for the second mile! Not by your power nor might, but by My Spirit. Go, My child!"

Kupejamkan mataku, menarik nafas dalam-dalam, dan kuhembuskan perlahan.

"I'll do it for You. Okay, I'll go. Anyway, I'm going to need Your help for sure here and there."

I know what you do; I know that you have a little power; you have followed my teaching and have been faithful to me. I have opened a door in front of you, which no one can close.

"I see what you've done. Now see what I've done. I've opened a door before you that no one can slam shut. You don't have much strength, I know that; you used what you had to keep my Word. You didn't deny me when times were rough.
(Rev 3.8-GNB, The Message)

"The people I love, I call to account--prod and correct and guide so that they'll live at their best. Up on your feet, then! About face! Run after God!
(Rev 3.19-The Message)

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.
Sebab itu jadilah penurut-penurut Allah, seperti anak-anak yang kekasih
(Eph 5.1-The Message, LAI)

But his answer was: "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me.

and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.
(2 Cor 12.9-GNB, The Message)

The angel told me to give Zerubbabel this message from the LORD: "You will succeed, not by military might or by your own strength, but by my spirit.
(Zec 4.6-GNB)

Just For A While

AMEN!!!

Lukewarm

"I know you inside and out, and find little to my liking. You're not cold, you're not hot--far better to be either cold or hot! You're stale. You're stagnant. You make me want to vomit.
(Revelation 3.15-16)-The Message)

I know what you have done; I know that you are neither cold nor hot. How I wish you were either one or the other! But because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I am going to spit you out of my mouth!
(Revelation 3.15-16)-GNB)

That's my condition in the past few weeks. I hate this coz I feel so TERRIBLE!!
I've lost my zeal in doing anything.

Yes, outwardly I still doing things I must do, but without enthusiasm. Inwardly, I don't do them out of love. I supposed to do things out of gratitude and love. They become my routine nowadays. I have so little strength to do anything, coz I've lost my first love to Jesus.

Yesterday, the sermon was actually about bringing down the kingdom of Heaven. Yet, I was so much strengthened by a verse the preacher mentioned:

"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: "This is the message from the one who is holy and true. He has the key that belonged to David, and when he opens a door, no one can close it, and when he closes it, no one can open it. I know what you do; I know that you have a little power; you have followed my teaching and have been faithful to me. I have opened a door in front of you, which no one can close. (Revelation 3.7-8)

And this one (from my own):

"To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: "This is the message from the one who holds the seven stars in his right hand and who walks among the seven gold lampstands. I know what you have done; I know how hard you have worked and how patient you have been. I know that you cannot tolerate evil people and that you have tested those who say they are apostles but are not, and have found out that they are liars. You are patient, you have suffered for my sake, and you have not given up. But this is what I have against you: you do not love me now as you did at first. Think how far you have fallen! Turn from your sins and do what you did at first. If you don't turn from your sins, I will come to you and take your lampstand from its place. (Revelation 2.1-5)

For a while, I've slipped into the so-called comfort zone. I used to take care of 3 girls, which lately never keep in touch with me anymore. Then, I'm "enjoying" my complaints about my authority at work, and friends in ministry. Also, I never spent quality time with Jesus anymore, which actually is the main reason I'm being lukewarm.

So, I'll do what I did. Spending quality time with Jesus, taking care of some girls again, and...the hardest part: stop complaining, and start blessing my authority and friends. So that I won't be stagnant, and there are opened doors in my job and ministry.

Beequote #3

Though my life is MY choice
but there will always be
DIVINE INTERVENTIONS
here and there

My choice intertwines with God's interventions.

Prayer

Prayer is request. The essence of request, as distinct from compulsion, is that it may or may not be granted. And if an infinitely wise Being listens to the requests of finite and foolish creatures, of course He will sometimes grant and sometimes refuse them.

C. S. Lewis

Prayer is a real relationship, not magic. When we ask Him for good gifts—something He encourages us to do—we should remember that we’re talking to someone who loves us, wants what’s best for us, and knows what we really need.

(taken from Inspired Faith)