As I Turn 31

I had this strange yet vivid dream. There was my lil bro, two other of the Adiwidjajas, and I. We were sitting on a porch, facing a beach.
Then I saw my late Grandpa was on a solid cloud, writing something on 2 little pieces of paper. He dropped the papers, and they were blown by the wind toward us.
My bro caught them, but then the wind blew them again toward me. They landed on the floor, so I took the paper. I don't remember exactly the message he wrote, but it was for me.
The next thing I remember was I came near him by the beach, and he said that a man was going to meet me. When I moved closer, he took a step backward. I was very near that I could see him clearly, yet I couldn't touch nor hug him the way I did.(I miss you, Gramp)
And then I walked inside the building to meet the man I didn't know who. Before long...there you were! Looking for me, trying to surprise me...and you were succeed :) I was very happy in the dream coz you and Gramp were there.

In reality...yes, I'm so happy :D You did surprised me. Thank you.

Psalms 146

Hallelujah! O my soul, praise GOD!
All my life long I'll praise GOD,
singing songs to my God as long as I live.
Don't put your life in the hands of experts
who know nothing of life, of salvation life.
Mere humans don't have what it takes;
when they die, their projects die with them.
Instead, get help from the God of Jacob,
put your hope in GOD and know real blessing!
GOD made sky and soil, sea and all the fish in it.
He always does what he says--
he defends the wronged, he feeds the hungry.
GOD frees prisoners--
he gives sight to the blind, he lifts up the fallen.
GOD loves good people,
protects strangers, takes the side of orphans and widows,
but makes short work of the wicked.
GOD's in charge--always.
Zion's God is God for good! Hallelujah!
(The Message)

Climbing Up The Mountain

I fell to a very deep valley
Valley of self-pity
I had pity party everyday
Didn't want to climb up anymore
Felt enough with everything
Didn't know the cause I fell

School became my runaway spot
Thought I could avoid
The very thing which broke my pride
....my failures....
They haunted and scolded me
That I'm a total failure

Forgot that I'm not
I'm not a failure.
How can I be one if
He who created me
is the Lord of lords
who ever prevail?

The truth of who I am in Him
Set me free as a soaring eagle.
That my worth/ pride isn't on my achievements,
perfection, standard, and performance.
My worth is simply because
I am created in God's image.

I'm climbing up the mountain
A hard work indeed,
and perseverance.
Doing it with my eyes on
the Hope Himself

No more putting my achievements,
perfection, standard, and performance
above ALL else!
No no no!!
It's Jesus who should be lifted up
high above all else.

That way, I could continue
the journey to my destination joyfully.
No more broken pride, nor dreams.
I put my pride in
who I am in Jesus only.
Good bye, Desperation...FOR GOOD!!

Yea...that's my experience after school holiday this year. What a downfall!! Never realized before that I still put my pride over my performance.

Performance includes our success in doing something; the way we dress, speak, and act; liked by everyone; doing something perfectly as our standards.

As a melancholic person, I tend to be perfectionist. I have my own standards of many things. Guess what? My standards are above average coz I craved for perfection. It made me depressed and unhappy (well, who could ever be happy when s/he is depressed?). Also, I caused my friends depressed too because of that.

My dear friend suggest me to count my blessings, never take them for granted.
Another friend gave me a book. It's not a self-help book. God used it to help me rise again. To find my vision and go with trusted friends along the way, be open and vulnerable to them, get ready to fail then rise to try again.
Jesus Himself reminded me of His promises and refreshed me with His vision. He strengthened me with new things, new revelations, new promises (Psalms 146).

I'm walking in His great favor and grace :D

Yes, I Am

...walking in His great favor and grace.

About my study. Yes, I'm the one who'll study. I might be a teacher, but still...I'm a learner :)

I've been longing to build a good school for those who can't pay much. A school that offers a good education for its students. It will be started from playgroup (pre-kindergarten). It's a kind of social work, to be honest. And....my parents haven't 100% agree with my dream.

Last month I heard a "briefing" about a higher education which offer lessons that I need to build my school. The tuition fee for 1,5 year is quite much, but I can pay it from my salary and savings.

Anyway, life is not a highway. I had to deal with my parents' approval. I know it's my life, my money...but still, they're my parents. And they have every rights to know what I'm doing with my life. So, I told them (I've told my mom about my dream). Guess what? They don't really agree.

The next storm I faced was the money. At the first time, I was so sure they'll charge me group-tuition-fee. But, I learnt that I'd be charged personal-tuition-fee. It meant I had to spend 3 million Rp more, and I couldn't afford it.

And I was thinking: "Allrite, Lord...If You don't want me to take that education now, it's OK with me. It's Your dream anyway that You plant in my heart."

Then...my friends, who also want to learn more about it, told me that finally we'll be charged group-tuition-fee PLUS maybe our school's foundation is willing to pay for us cash (of course we have to pay it back to them). It means, my expense for studying will be lower than what I predicted.

The next wonderful thing is...my Daddy said that he'll pay for my study!!!! Do you know what it means??? It means I got my parents' approval!!!! Hahahahahaha...I'm so happy and excited.

Magister Manajemen Pendidikan....Here I cooooooommmmeee!!!! (^~^)/"

I'm Walking

in His grace and favor.