I took time to meditate (really meditate some verses). God showed me the root of my emotional problems. I did meditation on God's Words only as a routine. To show responsibility, not love for Him and to know Him better and deeper. Moreover, I relied on myself rather than to Him, the source of my EVERYTHING.
As I meditate, some verses caught my attentions.
Psalms 119.116-117
Uphold me according to your word, that I may live. Let me not be ashamed of my hope.
Hold me up, and I will be safe, and will have respect for your statutes continually.
No wonder my emotion was shattered coz I tried to uphold myself by my own strength. And this particular verse really spoke to me. Check it out!
Isaiah 26.9, 12
With my soul have I desired you in the night. Yes, with my spirit within me will I seek you earnestly; for when your judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.
The LORD, you will ordain shalom for us, for you have also worked all our works for us. (HNV)
At night I long for you with all my heart; when you judge the earth and its people, they will all learn what justice is.
You will give us prosperity, LORD; everything that we achieve is the result of what you do. (GNB)
There, stated clearly. I didn't seek Him earnestly. No shalom/ peace coz I did it by myself. My soul was exhausted from doing everything by myself, affecting my emotional "disorder".
And in the afternoon, a friend asked how I was doing. I told her the truth and here was her reply:
My prayer is always be with u, sis.. He loves u so much and never give up on u. Hebrew 12.12-13. Think about His love and His kindnesses. Ask for first love. Never tired of seeking the Lord, will u? :)
Are u tired with His vision for you? These few days during prayer time, the Lord asks me to ask about your condition, i thought u were busy. That's why i didn't send u text messages. When i was reading a devotional book, i got something 4u, too. I dunno it's right or wrong, I'm just trying to say what I got. He loves you so much. Trust me (at this point I cried myself out. Admitting my fears about the future and my mistakes, my vulnerable emotion).
Ecclesiastes 4.9-10a.
Put everything under His feet. Keep calm and know that He is God. And He loves u with an unconditional love.
His love never fails, His love is eternal, unchanging. Just because u couldn't control your emotion then u feel so much guilty, and intimidated. One thing for sure, He loves us at the first place...not us. The Lord's love makes us live, so...
Never give up on ourselves, coz He never gives up on us! :)
She sent me several text messages. I read each of them with a broken heart, releasing all my depressions, and believe it or not my soul and heart (though broken) was healed at at the same time. Thinking how could He still loves me after all I've done. All things that could cause disappointments. How could He? And the songs I heard made me cry even more.
And how right were her statements about me. I felt terrible for losing control over my emotions and intimidated. (If you read this post, sis...this is my credit for you and dedicated especially to you)
One thing I could do now is...oh, I need mercy and grace to do this (I may fail, but I'll never give up): though people (students) disappoint me, I'd still love them, realizing and believing that they never meant to disappoint me. They simply dont know that that could disappoint me.
Next few posts are the (old) songs from Hillsongs that restore my soul.
And, to you, readers..thank you so much for your support :) God answered your prayers yesterday. Billions of thanks to you :)
And for someone who spared your time for me though you were sleepy and busy, thank you :) for helping me through my roughest day.
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