Total Surrender

"Yet not what I want, but what You want."

That what's in my mind right now. The surgery (of my grandma) was scheduled yesterday afternoon, but for a ridiculous reason, it was delayed. And last night I wondered what's behind the delay.

This morning, my mom sent me a text message saying that the surgery will be at 1 or 2 afternoon. A moment later, she sent another one saying that it was delayed...again.

Right at this moment she's in the theater, going thru the surgery. I prayed, and said,"If her soul is saved, then take her home, Dad.. otherwise, please spare her soul and let her live for some time. I dunno what's Your plan behind all those delays, I just believe that Your timing is perfect."

And here I am, writing this piece and waiting for news from home.

For The Wife of My Someone Special

I know all along
that you love me so much
But, my understanding of love
is different from yours
and it makes me reject your love
Yet, deep inside I know
I know that you love me.

I recall the days when
you came to our house
all by yourself,
brought food for us
so that we could enjoy it together.
You long for our companionship.
And when your feet
could no longer
support you very well,
still you came.

When I was away,
you were still thinking of me.
When you went to Surabaya,
you remembered me,
dropped by to
my boarding house and
brought me foods and fruits.

I remember when you
look at me intensely
with a faint smile
on your lips.
Made me uneasy and
avoided your gaze.

When you asked me
so many things about me
I felt that you
probed my life too deeply
and I clammed up
caused you felt bad
and eventually
doesn't speak anything to me.

At times, though,
I still feel your gaze upon me
is as intense as it was before
though not as often.
And I still see that little
smile on your lips.

You played a
very important role
in my life.
Without you,
I won't be here on earth.

I'm happy
to be your granddaughter.
I count myself lucky.
I am what I am today
coz of your constant
and thoughtful prayers
for me.

Thank you for
being a loving grandma.

My Psalms

Before the foundation
of the earth was laid,
You've known me.
You've written
down my days.

How awesome are Your thoughts!
My soul praises You,
rejoices over
the marvelous works
of Your hands.

It tastes
Your goodness and mercy.
Mine eyes have seen
the salvation
that comes from You.

I'm destined for
a prosperous future in You
and NOTHING,
absolutely nothing
can ever change
that plan of Yours, oh God.

Your love for me
is everlasting.
I'm save in Your embrace.



Storm tosses
my little-fragile boat
and water floods in
trying to sink it.

I cry out to You
and lift my hands
toward the heavens.

You have been my help
and salvation, Lord.
You reach my hand
and help me
to stand tall on my feet.



The tempest is
still raging,
but my heart is
calm knowing
that my help always
comes on time.

The Woman in My Life

Haha judul post ini rasanya g bener deh. Biarin. Emang harus baca isinya hehe

Wanita dalam hidupku banyak sih...mami, oma, para tante, para saudari dan sepupu, para pembantu juga. Tapi selain mami, satu wanita yang paling berpengaruh ke aku tuh oma.

Waktu ku kecil ku sering tidur di rumah opa-oma. Seringkali kalo kesana pasti disuruh tidur siang. Dasar aku ndableg, mana mau aku tidur siang. Jadi ku sering cm baring2 aja. Trus yang bikin BT tuh gini..sebelum tidur siang kan pasti makan dulu. Oma tuh kalo kasih aku nasi g kira2, buanyak pollll! Disuruh abisin pula!! Sampe bersih!!! (Tanda serunya ini makin lama makin banyak aja). Nah, abis gitu kan tidur(an), Oma tuh masuk kamar sambil bawa buah. Macem2, tergantung persediaan. Kalo adanya pisang y pisang. Ada pepaya y pepaya yg dia bawa masuk. Tujuannya? Udah pasti dikasih ke aku!!!! Kalo aku g mau, dia pasti maksa2 sampe aku mau.

Troz... Oma paling g suka liat aku punya rambut panjang (padahal aku cewe). Tiap kali panjangan dikit, dia pasti ribut suruh2 mami bawa aku ke salon. Pernah suatu waktu, dia nekat potong rambutku. Caranya? Ngeri tau g!! Rambutku di-ponytail trus dia ambil gunting dan... kres kres kres... begitu ponytail-nya dibuka HUWAAAAAAAAA rambutku g rata blas!! Aku nangis. Pas pulang, papiku liat model rambut baruku..dia marah2 ma oma.

Hal lain lagi..kalo aku melakukan sesuatu yang oma g suka (bukan salah, cm dia g suka aja) dia pasti bilang aku bodoh. Dan itu cukup membekas dan sampe sekarang kadang aku suka sindir oma kalo dia mulai suruh2 aku troz aku g mau, aku tanya,"Kalo aku g mau berarti aku bodoh y, Oma?" Entahlah...rasanya aku belum bener2 bisa mengampuni dia untuk urusan yang satu ini.

Satu lagi, dia sukaaaaaaaaa banget tanya2 aku udah punya calon suami atau belum, kenapa kok belum, sampe2 disuruh pindah kos ma gereja. Memang aku ke gereja cuma untuk cari suami???????? dan apa hubungannya kos ma dapetin suami????????? Arghhhhhh.... Dan ini sangat mengganggu karena aku memang belum punya!!! Secara terlihat aku memang masih single (and happy). Dia dulu pernah bilang kalo hari baiknya tuh cuma tunggu aku ma adik ceweku nikah. Hari baik tuh artinya waktu untuk dia balik ke rumah Bapa.

Anyway, ku tau dan sadar 1000% kalo oma tuh sayang aku. Kata para tanteku aku tuh cucu emasnya oma. Oma sayang aku dengan caranya dia yang dianggapnya terbaik. Aku aja yang kurang bisa menghargai caranya.

Nah, kemarin Sabtu, aku trima kabar yang cukup membuatku syok. Kamis pagi oma jatuh dan tulang pinggulnya retak/ patah dan harus dioperasi. Operasinya tunggu tekanan darah dan kadar gula darahnya turun. Kalo g dioperasi oma bakalan g bisa jalan lagi dan pasti dia bakalan rewel banget orang dia masih suka jalan2. Kalo dioperasi memang tulangnya bisa diperbaiki, tapi bukannya tanpa risiko. Risikonya: hari operasinya bisa jadi juga merupakan hari baiknya.

Whaatttt?? Hei, aku belum nikah!!!!! Tunggu dunk!!! Abiz bikin orang stress gara2 ditanya2i, troz mau balik ke rumah Bapa?? Yang bener aja!!! Ku belum siap kehilangan oma yang cerewet, yang bawel, yang suka seenaknya sendiri, dan yang tukang paksa!!!!!

Kemarin aku telpon oma di rs (lebih tepatnya aku telpon adik iparku dan dia kasih telponnya ke oma). Oma sih semangat hidup masih tinggi. Aku jadi g terlalu kuatir, tapi masih kepikiran juga siy. Ku tetep doa juga buat dia.

Thanks untuk kamu yang berdoa juga buat omaku:)

That Sunday Night...

Let's Celebrate!!!

Today is a horrible day at school for me. I felt empty and lost since this morning. I woke up VERY late that I didn't have time to be alone with Daddy at all.

After teaching I felt so terrible. Dunno what to do, I remembered the above verse. Accidentally I read the Good News Bible's version. And I realized that the Lord has won the battle today FOR ME!! So, I decided to CELEBRATE this day:)

Friends for Me

Friends are people with whom I can be Free to be myself.
They Randomly come in various ages and background (and hobbies), also both sexes.
Around them my Insecurity turns into security.
They become my conscience and Encourage me to do the right things.
Sometimes No words needed to express my feelings coz they understand.
In my Dark hours, they offer me a light I long for.
Sometimes there are disagreements, but the way we solve it that matters. And it makes us understand each other better.

So many thanks for being my friends, guys. Words are never enough to express my gratitude for having you in my life. Your existence is far more precious than my moods or feelings.

Matchmaking and Caring

Matchmaking... This term fills my days recently. So many men were introduced by relatives and friends..

On Sunday, a friend came over to my boarding house to take something only, but we couldn't stop our conversation. One of our conversations was about this.

He joins an English course, and when he went there together with his mom, he overheard that the teacher was talking about Jesus. And his mom asked about the teacher's age and if he's single or not (to the teacher himself) without any hidden intentions, purely small talks. Somehow, his mom asked my friend if the teacher suitable for me or not.

I couldn't help myself smiling and laughing at that information. I mean...his mom?? I know his mom and talked to her several times, but never knew that she cares that much about me. I couldn't stop wondering. I rarely goes to his house lately coz I'm busy and he's busy also, but she still remembers me!! Isn't that sweet?

Oh, Daddy... In so many ways You showed that I'm in Your hands, heart, mind, and plan. Never forsaken nor leave me alone. Thank You soooooo much :D

L

Niy buku kereeeeeeeeeeen polllll!!

It talks about Ava Torino, a young executive who's a smoker and doesn't believe in LOVE! She's looking for someone/ anyone who's name starts with L (to complete the 26 alphabets). Yeah, she's a player until she meets her L.

Before she meets L, she meets someone named Rei. And like Before Sunrise, they can have a nice conversation (between two total strangers). Ava tells him about her crazy adventure (memacari 25 orang dengan alfabet yang beda2. Tiap orang dipacari selama lebih kurang dua bulanan). Akhirnya mereka pisah sih biz ngobrol-ngobrol. Baru gitu Ava ketemu L-nya.

Nah...ternyata...the so-called "Fate" mempertemukan mereka lagi dan lagi. Singkat cerita Ava tunangan ma L-nya sementara hatinya mulai tertuju ke Rei. Uh oh...

Ini cerita cinta yang sedih, tapi indah. Cara Rei nunjukin kasihnya ke Ava, cara dia kasih wejangan ke Ava..so beeautiful. Termasuk cara pandang Rei tentang ibadah. Dia bilang, kira-kira (g inget bener), gini:"Aku ibadah karena aku merasa perlu memeluk dan dipeluk Tuhan." I couldn't stop reading and was crying when I read it. 393 pages from Saturday evening to Monday evening!! I broke my own record.

Aku dulu pernah baca Romeo-Julietnya Shakespeare, tapi g merasa kaya gini. Maksudku, aku belum bisa menghargai keindahan dalam kesedihan. Bayangin!! Biasanya yang kusebut indah tuh sesuatu yang berakhir bahagia, tapi biz baca itu, bisa-bisanya aku mikir ada keindahan dalam kesedihan!!!

If u like reading, u MUST read this book. G bakalan nyesel deh baca. Ku mau beli satu buat koleksi hehe

S.A.H.A.B.A.T

Kemarin temenku bilang kalo dia kesepian dan merasa g punya sahabat dekat yang saling memiliki. Kuminta dia jelasin apa arti sahabat dekat yang saling memiliki. Trus dia jawab gini:
SALING:
1. Orang pertama yang diingat untuk berbagi suka dan duka.
2. "Sekutu" yang baek saat genting - peka tanpa diminta.
3. Pergi-pergi selalu inget&telpon, cerita yang terjadi, bawain kesukaan.
4. Ada waktu untuk bersama.
5. Jadi saudara dalam segala hal.
6. Jawabnya sama (kalo ditanya siapa sahabatmu, jawabannya bakalan orang yang sama).

Aku jadi mikir juga biz terima sms dia yang jelasin gitu. Rasanya ku juga g lagi punya orang yang kaya gitu (terutama yang no.6!).

Aku dulu punya (pinjem istilah temenku itu) sahabat deket yang saling memiliki, tapi karena udah jauh akhirnya jadi jarang ketemu plus jarang kontak. Di Surabaya juga (kalo no.6 dimasukkan) g ada. I felt pathetic and sad!!

Salahku juga sih.. Dulu kalo lagi jomblo aja kemana-mana barengan, giliran aku punya gebetan...ku'buang'lah itu yang namanya sahabat. Aku jadi jauh lebih sering ma cowoku daripada ma dia. Parahnya pas putus!! Kesepian setengah mati dan merasa manfaatin sahabatku itu untuk membunuh kesepianku. Hhh...ku g mau deh gitu lagi. Ntar kalo uda punya cowo, ku pengen bisa atur waktuku dengan bijak. Bukan untuk njagani kalo putus, tapi aku g mau manfaatin sahabatku. Sesederhana itu.

Anyway, balik ke kriteria temenku, ku skrg cuma mikir gini aja: "Kalo kamu lagi butuh temen, ku bakalan sediain waktu buat kamu. Bukannya temen tuh bukan cuma pas seneng aja? G peduli aku jadi orang pertama yang kamu inget/telpon atau bukan pas kamu lagi susah, tapi aku bakalan selalu ada untuk kamu. Entah jawabanmu untuk no.6 aku atau bukan, aku g peduli selama aku selalu ada buat kamu."

Buatku, itu rasanya lebih masuk akal daripada harus memenuhi kriteria-kriteria tertentu.

Love Him, Love Him Not...

Was it wrong?
No, it was natural

Was it right, then?
Maybe..
I dunno

Tell me what's right
and what's wrong
with this feeling

It shouldn't be like this
I told myself
But I know that it was natural

What made it wrong was...
It wasn't mutual
It wasn't me who was in his heart

I knew it
I knew it all along
But I couldn't help it

This whole thing confused me
Frightened me to death
I don't want him to know
What I felt
Coz I don't wanna lose him

The Cute Guy

“He’s cute! You should see him!”
“Really? I want to, but I can’t in the near future.”
“Oh… it’s too bad…”
“Yeah, I know. I can’t wait to see him!!”

That was my conversation via phone with my sister after she delivered her first child.

“Sis, please pray for Billy. He’s now hospitalized because level of bilirubin in his blood is very high. He’s going to need blood transfusion, otherwise we’ll lose him. But, it can’t guarantee that he’s going to be okay either. It’s risky for a baby to have a blood transfusion. Esther doesn’t know about it coz I’m worry about her.”

The news from my brother-in-law really knocked me off balance. I was confused, sad, but deep within I knew that Daddy was in control over it.

I took my phone and made a call to my sister, talked to her and prayed for her.

I called my friend and she gave me this verse: I will not die; instead, I will live and proclaim what the LORD has done (Psalms 118.17). She told me to change “I” with “Billy” and confessed it over and over again. She prayed for my whole family.

My colleagues also prayed for me and one of them took me to the place where they stayed in Surabaya. One of my cell community friends came over and we prayed for them.

And now, he’s very much alive. He’s cute, joyful, chubby, smart, friendly, and healthy. When we’re talking around him, he’ll look at us as if he’s listening and understands what we’re talking about.

This is Billy.

Amazing!!!

Today, as I taught the second grader about the twelve disciples of Christ, God made me amazed as well as ashamed.

A student who is known as a slow learner, and has a short-span concentration could mention all of the disciples correctly. She said," Miss, I know the song!" And she sang it. I was really amazed and, at the same time, ashamed. I judged her by what I heard about her. I only saw the outward appearance.

Daddy reminded me gently about Samuel when he was about to anoint one of Jesse's sons. He told Samuel,"... for the LORD sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart."

I asked this girl to help us memorizing the names by singing the song. At first she was reluctant, but the whole class encouraged her. She sang beautifully and...confidently!!

Thanks, Dad, for this valuable lesson I learnt today.

See the Similarity!!

This is hilarious. This morning, the future movie director said that he'd give me something after lunch hour. Look! This is what he sent:




He did something to it. And this is the result:





Can you see the similarity? Hahaha
At first I didn't get it, but then I remembered a photo during our ministry trip to Mojokerto that was being commented in facebook. My friends commented my cross-legged style on the photo.

Some Blessings

Some months ago a friend gave me this link.
Some days ago my friend showed me this clip.

They really bless me. Check them out and hope you'll be blessed, too :)

Excerpt from: The Heart of a Teacher

Excerpt from: The Heart of a Teacher


The child arrives like a mystery box...
with puzzle pieces inside
some of the pieces are broken or missing...
and others just seem to hide

But the HEART of a teacher can sort them out...
and help the child to see
the potential for greatness he has within...
a picture of what he can be

Her goal isn't just to teach knowledge...
by filling the box with more parts
it's putting the pieces together...
and creating a work of art

The process is painfully slow at times...
some need more help than others
each child is a work in progress...
with assorted shapes and colors

First she creates a classroom...
where the child can feel safe in school
where he never feels threatened or afraid to try...
and kindness is always the rule

She knows that a child
can achieve much more
when he feels secure inside
when he's valued and loved...
and believes in himself
...and he has a sense of pride

She models and teaches good character...
and respect for one another
how to focus on strengths...not weaknesses
and how to encourage each other

She gives the child the freedom he needs...
to make choices on his own
so he learns to become more responsible...
and is able to stand alone

He's taught to be strong and think for himself...
as his soul and spirit heal
and the puzzle that's taking shape inside...
has a much more positive feel

The child discovers the joy that comes...
from learning something new...
and his vision grows as he begins
to see all the things that he can do

A picture is formed as more pieces fit...
an image of the child within
with greater strength and confidence...
and a belief that he can win!

All because a hero was there...
in the HEART of a teacher who cared
enabling the child to become much more...
than he ever imagined...or dared

A teacher with a HEART for her children...
knows what teaching is all about
she may not have all the answers...
but on this...she has no doubt

When asked which subjects she loved to teach,
she answered this way and smiled...
"It's not the subjects that matter...
It's all about teaching the CHILD."

by Paula Fox

Dear Daddy,
Let me be a teacher like You. Let Your heart be mine.

Imagine Me Without You

As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
'Til the end of time, forever
You're the only love I'll need
In my life, you're all that matters
In my eyes, the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me

When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you

Imagine me without you
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day
I'd be afraid without you there to see me through
Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it's just impossible
Because of you
It's all brand new
My life is now worth while
I can't imagine me without you

When you caught me I was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like you heard my calling
And you rushed to set me free

When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you


When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you
I need you


I can't imagine me without you

Thanks, Dad

Buat karya-Mu dan sgala rencana-Mu
Ku bri syukur dan pujian bagi-Mu

Bri puji, bri syukur
S'bab kutahu Allah bekerja buat kebaikanku
B'ri puji, b'ri syukur
Ku yakin rahmatMu besertaku

Buat s'gala hal yang tak kumengerti
Dengan iman kusrahkan padaMu

For all the things that I don't understand, I wanna give thanks to You, Daddy. When I can't see clearly, I wanna trust Your heart in leading me walk thru this path.

Thank God!!

Yesterday, a class-teacher came to me and asked,"Miss, did you say something to X?"
"No. Why?"
"After the bell rang, I took them downstairs. X hadn't been picked up yet. So I told him to wait for his mom around Toga Mas corner and he might read there. But after some time, I heard Bu Pur called his name thru paging. I looked for him, and found him sitting in the corner of the classroom reading something. Can you guess what he was reading?"
I shook my head, and wondering.
"He was reading Bible!" She told me with an enthusiastic tone.
I almost couldn't believe what I'd just heard. X? Reading a Bible?
"What kind of Bible? The one with pictures in it?" I asked because I know he likes reading illustrated books.
"No. The regular one! He was reading Genesis!"
"Really? Woooow!"
I was so happy that I couldn't contain it. I was almost screaming and jumped! This X had made us didn't know what to do. He's a student with special needs.
"Let's hope that it'll last for good," she said.

I learnt that being a teacher isn't about teaching only, passing out knowledge, and being a role model. A teacher is someone who sows seed in every student's life. I may not see it grow and fruitful today, but surely I'll reap the fruits later on.

Those who wept as they went out carrying the seed will come back singing for joy, as they bring in the harvest.
Psalms 126.6

The Best Birthday Present Ever

I wanted to go to Bandung during Idul Fitri holiday, but because of no preparation before, I canceled it. My friends asked me to go to Solo with them from 23-26 Sept and I'd said okay. Another friend suggested me to have a mission trip for two days with my cell community. Can you imagine a two-days mission trip? It's impossible!! But, on the other hand I'd love to go with them. I arranged with a local church in Mojokerto, my hometown. I arranged on Sept 19-20, but couldn't.

To cut the story short, we could do the trip on 26-27 Sept! I had an argument with a friend who asked me to go with her to Solo. I was frustrated. But, it turned out to be okay. So, off we went to Mojokerto peacefully that Saturday.

Before we went, we had a deal to pray and fast from 23-25 (during holiday!!). Yet, so many things happened! 3 of my friends were sick, 1 had so many tasks, 1 had already went back work, the others were still not sure. But amazingly, they still prayed and fasted. 2 friends had never ministered before, but they courageously took the responsibility; other friends had never ministered in front of unknown people, yet they still did it. Still another friend must be a worship leader, yet he had no experience before..but he did it anyway. Another one, she rarely wears a skirt during ministry in our church, but in this local church, she had to. With their own ways, they paid the price.

I'm so happy and it was the best birthday present ever.

Bee Calm

These past few days I'm restless. Just because of one question from my friend, I lost my balance. So lost that I didn't know what to do or say. I felt uneasy and afraid. I told my Daddy everything I felt, gave it all to Him, but then I took it back. Gave it again, took it back AGAIN!

But in the midst of it, my heart kept on telling me," Be still, and know that I am God" (Diamlah dan ketahuilah, bahwa Akulah Allah!) But I couldn't be still. There was a tempest in my heart. I've spoken to some people, yet I couldn't find the answer I was looking for.

Last night my heart was calmer. And this morning, when I had my devotional time, I read Psalms 62.1-9. Those verses really spoke to me. So, I've made up my mind. I'll be still and know that He is the Lord of my life. I entrusted my future into His hands for He is my Daddy.